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S/M and Abuse
A group of leaders and activists who attended the Leather Leadership
Conference II in NYC on April 17-19, 1998, compiled the following set of
ideals based on established community principles that SM is fundamentally
different from abuse. We hope the community agrees to the following Standards
& Guidelines that are intended to help the law enforcement and social services
communities understand the difference between abusive relationships and S/M,
which consists of diverse sexual practices that bring satisfaction and
gratification to the participants. While we respect the diversity of our
subculture, we believe that the autonomy and humanity of each individual must
be respected and maintained.
S/M is the generally accepted term for a complex group of behaviors that
involves the consensual giving and receiving of intense erotic sensation
and/or intense mental discipline, and it usually involves an exchange of power
between the partners. S/M is not about unresolved childhood issues of power,
shame, or the eroticization of violence.
If an individual is in an abusive relationship, then it is likely that
physical or sexual activities will also be abusive. It is essential that those
involved in diverse sexual relationships are not isolated from their family or
friends. To ensure self-esteem, individuals must be free to discuss their
preferences, practices and feelings with anyone they chose. Individuals must
also be able to exercise self-determination when it comes to money, employment
and life decisions.
Standards
1. The community recognizes the phrase "Safe Sane Consensual" as the best
brief summary of principles guiding our sexual expression.
A. "Safe" is being knowledgeable about the techniques and safety concerns
involved in what you are doing. Each participant must be informed about the
possible risks, both mental and physical.
B. "Sane" is knowing the difference between fantasy and reality.
Knowledgeable consent cannot be given if you are under the influence of drugs
or alcohol.
C. "Consensual" is respecting the limits imposed by each participant. One of
the most easily recognized ways to maintain limits is through a "safeword" -
which ensures the bottom/submissive can end the activity at any time with a
single word or gesture.
2. These Standards & Guidelines only pertain to sexual expression between
consenting adults. Children (anyone under 18) cannot give knowledgeable
consent, and sexual acts between adults and children are illegal and cannot be
condoned by the community.
3. Threats are not safe, sane or consensual. Threats can include actions or
warnings that your property will be destroyed, or your children and pets will
be hurt, or your partner threatens to kill you or commit suicide if you leave,
or you are blackmailed or outed because of your involvement in diverse sexual
practices.
4. Isolation and/or being prevented from retaining employment or obtaining
higher education is not safe, sane or consensual. Emotions must be respected,
including feelings of jealousy or dissatisfaction, and responsibility for what
happens must be accepted and shared by each participant.
Guidelines
1. Use a safeword in order to make participants responsible to themselves and
others.
2. Use negotiation, which often involves complex, lengthy communication, in
order to make participants aware of each other's limits, needs and desires.
3. Do not use scenes to express anger or frustration, or to manipulate or
give unwanted punishment to one of the participants.
If you say no to any of the following questions, you may be suffering abuse:
We hold abusers accountable for emotional and physical violence, and we
encourage survivors to seek support. Please contact the following resources -
they have been educated about safe, sane and consensual sexual expression and
will not be judgmental about your lifestyle:
Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
Kink Aware Professionals
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